Panama 2019: Writing Around

I’ve done a lot of writing around how I feel about Minga’s death — characteristic of me to lead with my brain and my capacity for observation. Several of you have said you like the posts, which have given you a good sense of Minga, her family, and the images surrounding her death. I’m there in the posts, albeit indirectly as the gatherer and shaper of the information. I’m happy for the affirmation — thank you all who have commented.

Here’s what I haven’t said yet, at least not directly.

I really miss Minga very much, and her not being there on my recent visit was hard for me from beginning to end. Visiting her grave was hard. Not having her walk through her front door into the sunlight, arms open and with a broad smile, was hard. No one has the right to expect another person to be there all the time. We teach our toddlers early on that “Mommy is busy right now. You need to play by yourself for a bit.” But Minga seemed to sense how important it was for me that she was there each time I arrived in the village. On every visit up through winter 2017, she would look me in the eye at my departure and say firmly, “Pamela, I will be here when you come next year.”

She suffered kidney failure in November of 2017, and almost died, then went on dialysis. Her family asked me not to come then, as they were in utter tumult and didn’t have the capacity to take care of Minga and be responsible for me as well. I went in January 2018, when she was stabilized. For the first time, our parting did not include the assurance that she would be there. Nor did she say those words in November 2018, after our wonderful week in the city. I left on November 20th, and she died on November 27th. I knew she hadn’t said the all important words and it unsettled me, although I didn’t draw her attention to it.

I don’t much believe in premonitions. I think Minga just didn’t say things she wasn’t sure would likely be true.

Our friendship was uncomplicated in the sense that we never had to be anything in particular for each other, except “there”. When I returned to the village ten years ago, after a 40 year hiatus, she didn’t ask where I’d been, why I hadn’t come back sooner as I once promised I would, why I was there now, how long I was staying, or what I was going to do during my visit. I had been there, and then not for a long time, and now I was there again. To her, that’s all that mattered.

It was a precious, pristine, simple friendship, in the best sense of that word.

I miss her very much.

January 2018

8 thoughts on “Panama 2019: Writing Around

  1. Finally it is the memories that sustain us. Your description of a relationship unencumbered by guilt and very much in the moment is beautiful.

  2. What a wonderful and enduring friendship you had with Minga, the sister of your heart. It continues with her greatest legacy, her large family. Being BFFs means loss is great and painful, returning with sweet memories and painful sorrows. Love is forever!

  3. for Frances: Minga did feel unconditional love at a very deep level. Remarkable, given that her own life was often profoundly challenged and sometimes unstable.

  4. for Linda: The absence of guilt is remarkable — and all too rare. It is the memories that sustain us, which makes Sid’s illness all the more painful. Thinking of him, and you.

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